Cook Along Live . . . prepare the amphetamines!

I wonder how many kitchen fires the fire brigade had to attend to last night in comparison to an average Friday. I imagine there was the usual array of food left in the oven/drunken chip-pan fires (There are surely no chip pans left in existence. If you asked 100 people in the street the first word they associate with ‘chip-pan’, 100 people would say fire.) but these relics of old fashioned kitchen danger are nothing compared to Gordon Ramsey’s ‘Destroy your kitchen and burn yourself live’.

I watched the show last night, from the safety of the sofa and gladly so. The programme began in the typical Gordon Ramsey maelstrom style of address; wild gesticulating, hand clasping, craning in at the frightened recoiling camera man saying ‘Yes!’ ‘OK!’ and ‘Fuck!’ a lot. Then it was straight in to the cooking. Except, it wasn’t cooking. It was like some deranged Ready Steady Cook, for people who’d gobbled a whole bag of cocaine.

Patsy Kensit was on hand, apparently to demonstrate that the average person could cook the menu, except that she couldn’t. By half way through she was a complete wreck, tottering around the kitchen in her heels trying to bat off the endless sexual innuendo from Ramsey “you’ve got the wrong nob (on the hob)”, “I thought you’d be good at tossing (the salad)”, “show us yer tits (show us your tits)” etc. All the while, trying to “roll pastry to the thickness of a pound coin”  ? ? ? and complete other such impossibilities in the utter chaos. 

Chris Moyles phoned in part way through exclaiming that the main course was too hard, so he just cooked chips instead, for which I assume Ramsey called him a fat cunt, or something equally obnoxious. But what Gordon fails to realise is that Chris Moyles is stereotypical of most British people. While fellow TV chefs such as Delia Smith are happy to offer up ‘cheat ingredients’ such as frozen mashed potato — something which Ramsey scoffed at during the show — and Jamie Oliver is showing the good people of Rotherham simple recipes in his heartwarming programme ‘Ministry of Food’, Gordon Ramsey seems to assume that the majority of his Friday night audience will be Michelin starred chefs, completely comfortable preparing 3 meals simultaneously within an hour.

Well Gordon we aren’t, and while Jamie Oliver seems sincere about wanting to teach people to cook, to improve their diet, health and ultimately well being, Gordon Ramsey just comes across as an arrogant self-obsessed twat who wants to show everyone how brilliant he is at cooking. Well, congratulations Gordon, you’re a fucking chef!



Filed under Television

7 responses to “Cook Along Live . . . prepare the amphetamines!

  1. p treg

    Ok – I didn’t see the show, and would never bother to ‘cook-along’ anyhow.

    I would consider myself fairly decent at cooking, i understand ingedients well, eat well, and like a cook meals for my better half. This is why i wouldnt cook along with the show – i dont need/want to be told what to do.

    Someone who can not cook very well may use the show for guidence – if they do, it seems clear that it is to fast and difficuly to follow.
    So whom, in fact, are they targeting this show towards?

    No one.

    I do like Gordon Ramsay, however. The trouble is his style (descrided perfectly above); It has become so stereotised that i can’t take him seriously – he has so much energy and drive, every time i watch him i question that ‘he must be on coke’.


    You seemed, although brief, quite positive about Jamie Olivers ministry of food – why not do a positive article on that? you can still ‘vent-spleen’ at the thick northerners of Rotherham. Rotherham is a city similar in size to Plymouth, and i consider it a ‘northern Plymouth’ full of even thicker/fatter/uglier/rougher/more uneducated people – any i didnt think that would be possible within the isle that is Britain. However, northerns do have more charm.

  2. Cheggers

    My Mum’s from Rotherham.

  3. Cheggers

    She is pretty fat to be fair. I’ll give you that.

  4. I congratulate you for sitting through the whole thing. I could only manage 30 seconds, so it would be unfair for me to comment. But I will anyway: it was fucking shit!

  5. You know it’s interesting, your comments. Despite the sheer chaos and exuberant energy of ‘The Ramsay’, I did think the recipes were elegant and simple at the same time.

    I do tend to think I know what I am doing when it comes to cooking. I definitely agree the potential for false fire engine callouts and near death experiences of the general public is guaranteed.

    Maybe there needs to be a warning before the beginning of the show;

    ‘Do not attempt the following if you are drunk, stupid or a liability to yourself.’

    Personally I cannot wait until the next episode where the chubby funster Johnny Vegas will be waddling around the studio, inevitably with a pint of Guinness in hand.

    Anyway, point is I am a self confessed Ramsay fan and can see the difference between the food he produces for his restauraunt and in his books and the food being prepared on the program in question.

    His cookbooks feature recipes that take time and you need to prepare the food lovingly. The recipe last night was much more mainstream. I concur though with the Chris Moyles aspect, people are spoilt for choice and cost of rubbish food makes it so much easier. I can go to the coop over the road and get 2 10″ pizzas for £4.50 taking 20 minutes to cook. Or I can make a meal from one of the many recipe books I have that takes 40 minutes preparation and 30 minutes cooking. Hmm Dillemma!

  6. Bobby Robe

    Well Pegman, congratulations on another fine diatribe but it seems this persuasive discourse has not gone down well with the lovers of Rotherham and all things melty face.

  7. Al Judge

    As previously mentioned, if you want to build up a following, you’re going to have to invest in some technical knowledge young man.

    This link will provide you with an automatic subscription system for your readers:

    Sort it out because I refuse to press F5 any longer

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