I wonder how many kitchen fires the fire brigade had to attend to last night in comparison to an average Friday. I imagine there was the usual array of food left in the oven/drunken chip-pan fires (There are surely no chip pans left in existence. If you asked 100 people in the street the first word they associate with ‘chip-pan’, 100 people would say fire.) but these relics of old fashioned kitchen danger are nothing compared to Gordon Ramsey’s ‘Destroy your kitchen and burn yourself live’.
I watched the show last night, from the safety of the sofa and gladly so. The programme began in the typical Gordon Ramsey maelstrom style of address; wild gesticulating, hand clasping, craning in at the frightened recoiling camera man saying ‘Yes!’ ‘OK!’ and ‘Fuck!’ a lot. Then it was straight in to the cooking. Except, it wasn’t cooking. It was like some deranged Ready Steady Cook, for people who’d gobbled a whole bag of cocaine.
Patsy Kensit was on hand, apparently to demonstrate that the average person could cook the menu, except that she couldn’t. By half way through she was a complete wreck, tottering around the kitchen in her heels trying to bat off the endless sexual innuendo from Ramsey “you’ve got the wrong nob (on the hob)”, “I thought you’d be good at tossing (the salad)”, “show us yer tits (show us your tits)” etc. All the while, trying to “roll pastry to the thickness of a pound coin” ? ? ? and complete other such impossibilities in the utter chaos.
Chris Moyles phoned in part way through exclaiming that the main course was too hard, so he just cooked chips instead, for which I assume Ramsey called him a fat cunt, or something equally obnoxious. But what Gordon fails to realise is that Chris Moyles is stereotypical of most British people. While fellow TV chefs such as Delia Smith are happy to offer up ‘cheat ingredients’ such as frozen mashed potato — something which Ramsey scoffed at during the show — and Jamie Oliver is showing the good people of Rotherham simple recipes in his heartwarming programme ‘Ministry of Food’, Gordon Ramsey seems to assume that the majority of his Friday night audience will be Michelin starred chefs, completely comfortable preparing 3 meals simultaneously within an hour.
Well Gordon we aren’t, and while Jamie Oliver seems sincere about wanting to teach people to cook, to improve their diet, health and ultimately well being, Gordon Ramsey just comes across as an arrogant self-obsessed twat who wants to show everyone how brilliant he is at cooking. Well, congratulations Gordon, you’re a fucking chef!