It’s the ‘wackiness’ I can’t stand

 

While perusing the internet on my daily job hunt I occasionally encounter jobs that I think might employ me (I’m wrong 100% of the time of course), an example of which is below.

 

In this case, aside from random spelling mistakes, starting in the title, I get less enamoured the more I read. I have omitted the boring middle spiel about the actual job, as I assume none of you plan to apply; I may though, and if I am to succeed I will need your help, as I’m not sure I can paint myself as the person they are after.

 

Firstly, I get annoyed when companies want applicants to do some of their work for them, in this case: ‘Write a short summary of any one of our top stag weekend destinations’ – fuck off and write it yourself, or at least pay me to do it. In addition to this they also want you to answer a series of painful ‘screening questions’, designed to show what a cool, fun-loving, zany and ‘out-there’ individual you really are. As I tend to err on the side of spectacularly morose, I need you, my friends, to help me.

 

Post answers to the screening questions in the comments section and, if they are good enough, I promise to use them in my application.

 

Jobs have eluded me so far, but with our combined brain that’s no matter – to-morrow we will run faster, stretch our arms farther… And one fine morning –––

 

 

Junoir Product Manager Copywriter

 

Date Posted: Wednesday 7th January

Location: Soho London

 

Interested in being a product manager for one of the coolest companies in London

? Take a look at www.chillisauce.co.uk – if you like what you see and wouldn’t mind working for us read on:
Who we are:
Chillisauce is a fast growing, young, fun, dynamic company specialising in ‘extreme’ activity days/weekends and holidays. We are:
– 6 years old
– Have 45 young staff
– Based in open plan offices in Carnaby St

, Soho
– Have no dress code [Wow, no way! Now I can where all my cool clothes in to work – Yes!]
What the company does:
We organise extreme activity packages from cliff jumping and white water rafting to tank driving and mountain boarding, along with hotels, nightclub, transport and anything else the customer wants. Primarily this is for Stag Weekends and Hen Parties, but also for corporate and social groups.

How to apply:
To gain a good idea of your writing skills other abilities and your general personality, we have come up with a few questions and a small writing task we would like you to undertake and send along with your CV. Please see the task below and then send it along with your CV to: productmanager@chillisauce.co.uk

WRITING TASK

To give us a brief in-site into your writing skills, we would be grateful if you could undertake this short test. Please complete and email to productmanager@chillisauce.co.uk

Brief:
– We have short summary descriptions of all our destinations where we send stag weekends ( example: http://www.chillisauce.co.uk/stag-weekends/budapest/ ). To test your ability we would like you to do a short test where you do something similar: –

– Write a short summary of any one of our top stag weekend destinations: Edinburgh, Leeds, Brighton, Bristol, Nottingham, London, Bournemouth, Newcastle, Birmingham, Manchester, Prague, Budapest, Barcelona, Bratislava, Riga or Tallinn

.
– 400 words
– Punchy and to the point
– The copy should “sell” the destination to target audience ( ABC1 Male 27 – 35 yr old’s )

SCREENING QUESTIONS:

 

Finally we want to make sure anyone we employ fits into our lively and hectic office environment (and above all gets on with the rest of the office) – therefore we get everyone that applies to fill in a questionnaire on various ‘social’ stuff along with a few job related questions for quick screening. I would also be grateful if you could also complete questions below:

1/. Detail any work skills where you have had to show excellent organisational skills:

2/. List your interests:

3/. What’s your favourite party trick?

4/. What is the most outrageous thing you have done?

5/. What are the most important things you are looking for in this job:

6/. Outline your skill with regard to html and editors like dreamweaver and also multimedia packages like photoshop etc

7/. Describe your personality:

8/.What is your expected salary:

 

 

 

 

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8 Comments

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8 responses to “It’s the ‘wackiness’ I can’t stand

  1. Si

    iv got some answers certain to get you the job:

    Q2. smoking weed, drinkin liquor and all other types of ill shit!

    Q3. Rape!

    Q8. 3 million dollars, cash!

    hope that helps (dont see how it couldnt)

  2. Marv

    Don’t do it. You don’t need the job, it will take up too much of your time.

    Work sucks!

  3. Cheggers

    1/ In my previous role at Halls Estates, my principal tasks were surfing on the internet and writing procrastinatory emails to my firends. I managed to organise my time so the more menial tasks involved in my role, such as talking to clients and selling houses, did not interfere with the more important parts of my job.

    2/ Gin. Sloe gin. Drinking gin. Reading about gin. talking about gin. Thinking about gin. Dreaming about gin. Rape.

    3/ My Rod Hull impression.

    4/ I once drank the contents of a Glade Scented Oils air freshener.

    5/ Money. Workmates who do not annoy me to the extent I am driven to thoughts of suicide/homicide. A wacky atmosphere to write exciting and entertaining copy about lap-dancing clubs in Prague!

    6/ I have mad skills.

    7/ Manic-depressive alocholic with little regard for authority.

    8/ I do not expect to get the job, therefore do not expect to receive any remuneration.

  4. Ahh, Friday afternoons 🙂

    1/. An anachronistic employment record for myself would have to be considered myopic were it not to include Beer Server, Pie Maker and Estate Agent. The oft unused term ‘organisational skills’, although thoroughly ill advised for use when assessing prospective employees, can be applied to every facet of each of these roles as not once was I expected to literally not do anything.

    2/. Zorbing and translating Dostoyevsky into Cantonese.

    3/. It involves a friend of mine, an underage girl, and a marquee.

    4/. Not putting my foot through the monitor upon seeing a typo in the first word of a job application for aspiring writers.

    5/. If you are a guy appraising this application then my answer of hot female coworkers, decent money and a dearth of stressful situations will, I assume, go unpunished because if you answered and put anything different I know you would be lying.

    7/. All the usual: outgoing, bubbly, life and soul of a party, perfectionist, hard working, focused and well presented.

    8/. You don’t just jump into bed with Adam Mitchell, you take Adam Mitchell out to lunch, you wine and dine him, you give him an oil massage then he accepts your offer of £35K if you’re lucky!

  5. P Treg

    1/.
    -As a former Bar worker, I had to accept payment, while pouring a pint of tangelfoot and smile. The later was a challenge.

    2/.
    -Masterbating to Verne Troyer on BB

    3/.
    – Wrapping your penis in parma ham while proclaiming the canapés are being served.

    4/.
    – I once appeared at a job interview 5 minutes late, while wearing only a vest and thermal socks, and ended up raping the son of one of the interview panel.

    5/.
    -strong internet connection and poor I.T security restrictions, along with a modern work ethos; No uniform – check, Young colleagues – check, consumption of Gin for breakfast, check?

    6/.
    – Whats HTML?
    – The local photoshop needs to diversify into the digital age, there no future in camera films.

    7/. Describe your personality:
    -A bit of a cu/\/t.

    8/.What is your expected salary:
    -£300 an article, this job application has cost you £345 (incl vat – reclaimable under SR52)

  6. I bloody love Bobby Robe’s answer to question 8, “You don’t just jump into bed with Adam Mitchell, you take Adam Mitchell out to lunch, you wine and dine him, you give him an oil massage then he accepts your offer of £35K if you’re lucky!” Utter genius.

    On a more worrying note, a.) did you actually expect any serious help from the assorted band of twits you call your friends? and b.) it is quite unsettling how many of the suggested answers feature rape in its many guises.

    Still, good luck with the job application.

  7. Bevan (real)

    One of their ‘top’ destinations appears to be Nottingham. This is what one of their so called references says about Nottingham. “Amid multistorey car parks and who-cares-what-you-think architectural eyesores, you’ll stumble upon a centuries-old landmark that crusaders probably knew – it’s that kind of place” says it all really. They neglect to mention however, that Nottingham, a few years back, applied to be European city of culture with the tagline “Nottingham: the shooting star of the midlands” this proved to be ill conceived and was eventually abandoned when someone pointed out that at that particular time Nottingham had the highest rate of gun crime in the country. Basically, if you can write an article good enough to sell this place to an ageing homeless alcoholic with a penchant for crack cocaine, whilst adding in to the barain the promise of enough cardboard to build a replica of the taj mahal, you deserve a nobel prize for literature let alone a job writing blurb for stag weekend destinations.

  8. JT

    I will not be writing answers to the forementioned questions, as chillisauce and I do not get on. Las Iguanas and chillisauce have a long standing relationship and business deal. However, on one occasion chillisauce phoned us to arrange yet another wonderfully entertaining evening for a group of young males on the search for one last night of fun, before forking a stupid amount of money out on a ‘white wedding’, only to cheat on said wife within first 6 months, and spending the rest of his life knowing that the last good night he ever had was at fucking las iguanas. I digress…..the long story short I literally told chillisauce to “fuck off” as the fuck whit on the phone was so rude…..and Jay Man was in one of those moods! Unfortunately the bastards not only put in a complaint to my head office, but had recorded the phone call (for training purposes my arse) and so all my bosses actually heard me say this….although i would like to add, they didn’t hear the conversation that led up to this!

    So if you do decide to work for these douchebags….then please expect a sweet FO from the Jay Man.

    Sending love

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