‘Genius’ – a show for morons, by morons

If you hadn’t already realised the futility and pointlessness of your existence, never fear, because you can do so tonight. Simply tune in (such an archaic term, like we’d actually have to turn some sort of dial on the 48 inch plasma to pick up a channel. Pff!) to BBC2 at 10pm tonight and you can marvel at the wonders of ‘Genius’. No, it’s not the ‘Genius of Charles Darwin’, or anyone else that might have actually harboured an ounce of the stuff, but the ‘genius’ of the British public – an oxymoron if ever I’ve heard one.

 

The presenter is Dave Gorman, and judging by his exponential decline in form, this will likely be his least humorous outing to date. I loved his breakthrough show ‘Are you Dave Gorman?’, in which he and a friend travelled the globe in search of other Dave Gormans, in order to rubbish his friend’s belief that Dave Gorman was a very uncommon name (it’s honestly much funnier than how that sentence makes it sounds, but difficult to concisely summarise.); I felt indifferent towards his second show ‘Googlewhack Adventure’, which came across as a rework of the above format; and loathed ‘America Unchained’ so much that I only watched half the program and even that was only in an attempt to rouse an emotion – any emotion would have done: interest, happiness, excitement, sadness, anger – but nothing came. I sat there watching a man driving across America with the boredom of watching a random stranger’s film of an outing to Tesco. It was human apple coring TV.

 

The idea of tonight’s show ‘Genius’ is that members of the public (and I quote from the website) “send in [their] extraordinary notions, amazing concepts and barn-storming ideas for the consideration of Team Genius”. The website then goes on to cite examples – which you can sum up yourself if you don’t want to watch the ‘hilarious’ discussions with the guest celebs – such as: ‘Guide dogs for the blind, talking parrots for the mute’, ‘Making everywhere downhill’, ‘Putting the clocks back an hour every day’ and ‘Making the Isle of Wight symmetrical to encourage tourism’.

 

???!!!

 

I don’t really know what to say. Not only are all of the ideas fucking idiotic and unworkable, they aren’t at all funny on any level.

 

1) Guide dogs for the blind, talking parrots for the mute.

Ignore the obvious insensitivity to mute people and you are faced with the question: How would the parrot know what the mute wanted to say and then say it? You would need a telepathic parrot that was also intelligent enough to articulate your thoughts – no such creature exists! So, assuming the use of a standard parrot (an African Grey maybe?), the poor mute would just look like a pirate walking around with a bird shouting random nonsense at the general public.

 

2) Making everywhere downhill.

An impossible demand on engineering and physics.

 

3) Putting the clocks back an hour every day.

Why is that genius? It’s like something an 11 year old would say to wind you up and that’s being cruel to 11 year olds, who probably have a better sense of humour.

 

4) Making the Isle of Wight symmetrical to encourage tourism.

Would that encourage tourism? I was under the impression that people don’t go to the Isle of Wight because it’s shit, not because it displays imperfect symmetry.

 

So there you have it, all crap ideas that are far closer to retardation than genius on the Stanford-Binet scale and not one of them is the least bit funny.

 

Perhaps next week Dave Gorman will investigate other unfunny and unworkable oxymoron shows – the ‘feather touch’ of the bull elephant, the ‘slow stealth’ of the drag race, or the ‘selflessness’ of Joseph Fritzl. I could go on, but I’ve wasted a good amount of your time and mine. You better all get back to your pointlessness so you can get home before the futility begins!

 

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5 Comments

Filed under Television, Uncategorized

5 responses to “‘Genius’ – a show for morons, by morons

  1. si

    good work, made the end of my day at work much better, with the prospect of leaving for sunshine in half an hour awesome.

    iv just thought of one, you can categorise in either category genius or fucking idiotic as you would put it: Sleeping policemen/speed bumps, we could find actual policemen when they are sleeping and put them in the road, that should slow traffic as they wish and get rid of some c_nts at the same time, problem solved!

  2. cheggers139

    A few reasons why people visit the Isle of Wight, apart from the fact it’s the most symmetrical island in the UK:

    Tourism is the largest industry on the island. In 1999, the 130,000 island residents were host to 2.7 million visitors.

    The heritage of the island is a major asset, which has for many years kept its economy going. Holidays focused on natural heritage, including both wildlife and geology, are becoming a growing alternative to the traditional seaside resort holiday.

    As well as more traditional tourist attractions, the island is often host to walking or cycling holidays through the attractive scenery. Almost every town and village on the island plays host to hotels, hostels and camping sites. Out of the peak summer season, the island is still an important destination for coach tours from other parts of the United Kingdom and an annual walking festival has attracted considerable interest.

    The island landscape has great diversity, with perhaps the most notable habitats being the soft cliffs and sea ledges, which are spectacular features as well as being very important for wildlife, and are internationally protected.

    Being one of the most southerly parts of the UK, the Isle of Wight has a milder sub-climate than most other areas, which results in high numbers of holiday-makers, particularly in the resorts in the SE of the island.

    Cowes is a world-famous centre for sailing, playing host to several racing regattas. Cowes Week is the longest-running regular regatta in the world, with over 1,000 yachts and 8,500 competitors taking part in over 50 classes of yacht racing.

    The Isle of Wight is also home to the Isle of Wight International Jazz Festival, the Isle of Wight Festival and the Bestival.

  3. Could we be standing on the precipice of the decline of this blog? Was Joseph Fritzl included to attract fellow tinterweb users who happened to be searching for current affair topics? Does anyone know? Does anyone care? Perhaps not…..

    The show you’ve taken to lambast within this fine diatribe originally started off as a radio show. A very funny 30minutes where, as you say, members of the public put forward their ideas. The ideas are never meant to be taken literally; I believe that format has already been throttled to within an inch of its life before being spoon fed to American public by a sole Dragon and his accomplices. Rather they serve as a starting point for witty and amusing comments from a funny and intelligent comedian. Think of it as Mock the Week with ideas from the public taking the place of a fat Irish guys blurtings.

    I also saw Mr. Gorman’s painfully drawn out trip across the US and must admit I fear for the well being of this latest show. The ever present money men may force it to appeal to the lowest common denominator, namely the morons who think the overly scripted comedy of the Sunday Night Project is ‘genius’ and that would be a shame. Gorman is the glimmer of hope in this saga and for that reason I will be eager to hear how it went. No amount of comedic flare will keep Bobby Robe from the watering hole on a Fritag evening.

  4. JT

    Mr Mitchell

    First and foremost, apologies for lack of recent comments, I have read your blogs, however felt no need and hindered by time, to comment on the forementioned. Unforuntately you touch yet again on this social medium to which I am unfamiliar as my quest to remain void of televisual activity continues. However, my only comment to this blog is to bring to peoples attention that during the time we were all deliberating on our final academic thoughts for our dissertations, you introduced me to the concept of googlewhack, and you could be found on many a sunny day on the top floor of the library entertaining said notion! Is this a new found dislike for Mr Gorman, or perhaps this is indeed the individual who is reponsible for our current predicaments of non-millionaire status!? Anyways, as always I have enjoyed your latest blog, and will conitune were possible to leave random, pointless and boring comments.

    That is all.

  5. p treg

    Si: ”we could find actual policemen when they are sleeping and put them in the road, that should slow traffic as they wish and get rid of some c_nts at the same time, problem solved!”

    If I saw an actual policeman sleeping in the road, I am not sure if I would slow down.

    Mitch, I heard there was an idea of a conveyor belt duvet which itself is wrappd fully around a bed, thus meaning that when ones partner roles over, or away from one another (usually after one realises some bowel gas) it simply pulls some fresh duvet from under the bed, rather than cause the partner to shiver in the wake of sudden bed nakedness.
    I find this invention rather endearing and funny, obviously not practical however – i.e; If I fell out of bed, Lucy would be strangled.

    Mitchblog* rating 6/10.
    Highlight: Touching on ‘Are you Dave Gorman?’ – A Show which helped bond and even strengthen our once tangible friendship. Fond memories.

    *Mitchblog is my rating, based on;

    -Strength of opinion
    -Genuine Wit
    -Use of English and turn of phrase.
    -Agreeability
    -Raw Topic and Material

    Paul Treg

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