If you hadn’t already realised the futility and pointlessness of your existence, never fear, because you can do so tonight. Simply tune in (such an archaic term, like we’d actually have to turn some sort of dial on the 48 inch plasma to pick up a channel. Pff!) to BBC2 at 10pm tonight and you can marvel at the wonders of ‘Genius’. No, it’s not the ‘Genius of Charles Darwin’, or anyone else that might have actually harboured an ounce of the stuff, but the ‘genius’ of the British public – an oxymoron if ever I’ve heard one.
The presenter is Dave Gorman, and judging by his exponential decline in form, this will likely be his least humorous outing to date. I loved his breakthrough show ‘Are you Dave Gorman?’, in which he and a friend travelled the globe in search of other Dave Gormans, in order to rubbish his friend’s belief that Dave Gorman was a very uncommon name (it’s honestly much funnier than how that sentence makes it sounds, but difficult to concisely summarise.); I felt indifferent towards his second show ‘Googlewhack Adventure’, which came across as a rework of the above format; and loathed ‘America Unchained’ so much that I only watched half the program and even that was only in an attempt to rouse an emotion – any emotion would have done: interest, happiness, excitement, sadness, anger – but nothing came. I sat there watching a man driving across America with the boredom of watching a random stranger’s film of an outing to Tesco. It was human apple coring TV.
The idea of tonight’s show ‘Genius’ is that members of the public (and I quote from the website) “send in [their] extraordinary notions, amazing concepts and barn-storming ideas for the consideration of Team Genius”. The website then goes on to cite examples – which you can sum up yourself if you don’t want to watch the ‘hilarious’ discussions with the guest celebs – such as: ‘Guide dogs for the blind, talking parrots for the mute’, ‘Making everywhere downhill’, ‘Putting the clocks back an hour every day’ and ‘Making the Isle of Wight symmetrical to encourage tourism’.
I don’t really know what to say. Not only are all of the ideas fucking idiotic and unworkable, they aren’t at all funny on any level.
1) Guide dogs for the blind, talking parrots for the mute.
Ignore the obvious insensitivity to mute people and you are faced with the question: How would the parrot know what the mute wanted to say and then say it? You would need a telepathic parrot that was also intelligent enough to articulate your thoughts – no such creature exists! So, assuming the use of a standard parrot (an African Grey maybe?), the poor mute would just look like a pirate walking around with a bird shouting random nonsense at the general public.
2) Making everywhere downhill.
An impossible demand on engineering and physics.
3) Putting the clocks back an hour every day.
Why is that genius? It’s like something an 11 year old would say to wind you up and that’s being cruel to 11 year olds, who probably have a better sense of humour.
4) Making the Isle of Wight symmetrical to encourage tourism.
Would that encourage tourism? I was under the impression that people don’t go to the Isle of Wight because it’s shit, not because it displays imperfect symmetry.
So there you have it, all crap ideas that are far closer to retardation than genius on the Stanford-Binet scale and not one of them is the least bit funny.
Perhaps next week Dave Gorman will investigate other unfunny and unworkable oxymoron shows – the ‘feather touch’ of the bull elephant, the ‘slow stealth’ of the drag race, or the ‘selflessness’ of Joseph Fritzl. I could go on, but I’ve wasted a good amount of your time and mine. You better all get back to your pointlessness so you can get home before the futility begins!