Swine Flew

“If pigs could fly”, is a common phrase used to denote wishful thinking about the impossible; but no more. Mexican Pigs are cropping up in cities across the world, with new cases being reported every day. It seems that no distance is too great for these flying swine, two of which, have recently been reported in the UK.

 

It is unclear, as yet, how the pigs garnered the ability to fly, although speculation has focussed on the GM soya bean crops used in their feed. It is thought that the soya beans have caused a rogue genetic cell mutations in the pigs that result in bone spurs and associated skin flaps to grow from the spinal column and protrude out of the pig’s back. This anomaly is not unheard of in Mexican pigs and not, until late, considered to be a big problem; however, it is thought that farmers in isolated areas of the Veracruz region have selectively reared pigs with increasingly large spurs and that these spurs have somehow developed into fully functional wings.

 

Most alarmingly, however, is the chance for this particular ‘disease’ to be passed on to humans and subsequently, from human to human. The WHO, who have recently updated the pandemic alert from stage three to four have issued a three step way of dealing with the swine, simply: ‘CATCH IT. BIN IT. KILL IT.’

 

Despite the hyperbole surrounding this seemingly unbelievable occurrence, the Health secretary, Alan Johnson, has issued a statement assuring the British public that the likelihood of them sprouting wings themselves is low. “First, it is important to emphasise that in all cases outside Mexico, the symptoms of this illness are mild and all patients have made a full recovery.” As for those confirmed cases in the UK and elsewhere, symptoms have been kept surprisingly quiet, leading many to the conclusion that some humans have developed fully functional wings.

 

The government is understandably keen to play down the hysteria, issuing the following statement in the Commons yesterday afternoon. “It is too early to say whether the cases in Mexico and the US will lead to a pandemic. Scientists do not yet understand the extent to which cases in Mexico and the US are linked and are not yet able to make a complete assessment of the health implications of this new virus.”

 

One thing that is for certain though, is that with the seemingly unabated spread of these pigs, not all cases of human infection will be able to be kept under wraps, the ramifications of which, the government can’t fail to recognise. Flying humans would not only deal a crippling blow to the world’s airlines, as people shun flights in favour of a free and ‘green’ way of flying abroad, but more worryingly, border regulation will be rendered obsolete and developed nations such as the UK are likely to feel the brunt of heavy illegal immigration, as war ravaged lands and poor nations see mass exoduses.

 

It’s not known how this pandemic is going to play out, but if the rumours hold any truth, then we could be teetering on the brink of a global catastrophe, beyond all comparison.